In a world where ‘West Riding ‘ back packers, Hurricanes with female names and re-runs of ‘Last of the summer wine’ are common place; the word pleasure is appearing less in general conversation throughout Ryedale. If only more people could be exposed to the uplifting experience of flogging a ‘self opinionated’ local rugby side and watching them uncomfortably speed straight back home, heads dropped, the world would be a better place.

After some last minute team rearrangement, due to Steve Butler’s wife giving birth 6 weeks early, Malton’s Super Twos ran onto the Gannock with the sun on their backs and their balls as big as melons. The first half, as expected, was a tight and level affair with neither team looking the better of the other. First blood came to Malton when a powerful forward drive allowed a quick handling back line to put Charlie Foster away to score on the wing. Rob Tate added the additional two points with a conversion. Patterns of play became apparent early on with the Malton front row weighing in at over 55 stone and a wealth of experience pushing behind them. Malton won their scrums but also spoilt most of their oppositions. Jonny Newsome was able to deliver clean ball at his own pace without fear of his scrum moving backwards an inch and ‘Rocket’ Robert Hicks proving invaluable at line outs. Living on scraps Driffield attacks were snuffed out quickly with savage defensive lines. ‘The baby faced assassin’ Adam Stephens leading by example in the noble art of spear tackling.

The second half allowed Malton to prove that the past four weeks of Creber’s “Hard Yakka” fitness really sorts the men from the boys. Pre-pubescent Driffield had no answer to the continuous manly waves of quality plays Malton put together. The flood-gates opened and the home team surfed along with a try tsumami. Interplay between backs and forwards allowed tries for Jim Davies and Chris Robson. New boys Tommy ‘Gun’ Pateman and Barry Ager also got their names on the score sheet with good individual performances. ‘Wrong man, right place’ Tim Casey showed his supporting ability with a brace of tries in close succession from his new position at number eight. Rob Tate converted another four kicks.

The entire team were relentless in the effort they put into the game and as such came out deserved winners in this most enjoyable local derby.

Although Beverley were able to cross Malton’s line twice, they must surely of felt demoralised by the resilient defence of their opposition. The Super Twos came off Beaver Park battle worn but victorious aware that they had taken all that the All Black supporting Beverley could throw at them.

If you quiz Dr. Ruth, or any certified sex therapist, on sexual matters they will all quote from the manual “Wet is the way forward…”. However when this weeks second team visitors arrived at the Gannock they must surely not have been aware just how unhelpful excessive moisture can be. Coming from the muddy flood plains of the Humber, Barton 1st team must of wished they had saved their £2.50 bridge toll and instead taken in the breath taking views of Hull and their neighbouring club Hessle.

Running onto the pitch with an injury altered team Malton looked the better side from the outset. Malt’s pack were a fitter, larger, younger and frankly better looking set of lads that were able to toy with visitors like a cat would a mouse. They dominated in the scrum winning all their ball and much of Bartons. The lineouts were also an excellent first phase platform with Dan Dickinson hitting his jumpers with ease and Robert ‘The Rocket’ Hicks effectively disrupting a lot of Bartons throws. The loose play saw John ‘Man Mountain’ Richards and Steve ‘Gold Mountain’ Pease bombard Bartons defensive lines with high velocity weight. Although the weather resembled that of rain forest rather than Ryedale, the Malton back line were still able to show ‘flam-BOUYANT’ running rugby. Simon Massey, legal mind and power drinker, made some penetrative runs through Bartons bewildered backs and pace out wide was frequently displayed from Rob ‘Doesn’t say a lot’ Armitage, Matthew ’Mini’ Midgley and Craig ‘Alf’ Garnett.

The Gannock spectators were entertained with one sided yet enjoyable rugby with no less than eleven tries scored. Man of the Match must surely of gone to Andrew ‘No Body Hair’ Whalley who ran in three tries and performed superbly as full back in the wet conditions. John Richards, Will Jones, Simon Massey, Matthew Midgley, Rob Armitage and Tom Pateman all got their names on the score card with a try each. Fly half Rob Tate also had an impressive game dancing through the Barton players like John Travolta would at the Prosthetic Limb Annual Dinner Dance, scoring two tries and kicking eight conversions.

The Super Twos also welcomed South African visitor Bruce Van Der Houstinburger.. who although may not win any trophies for being the best looking guy in town; an award Tim Casey recently stole out of spite to the non appreciative judges, can certainly boast a committed hard hitting game, blood curdling supporting shouts and massive shovel like hands.

The final whistle came not a minute too soon for Barton who put up a spirited performance but were frankly out gunned with powerful forwards who revelled in the wet conditions.

As is becoming more frequent the first team are having to draw upon the abilities of the seconds to fill selection problems, most especially in the front row positions. Team manager Andrew ‘No… I don’t wax’ Whalley receiving a last minute call that his front row would be altered again. However his worries were immediately laid to rest when informed that he would be allowed two veteran replacements in the form of Patrick ‘The Cumbrian Collosus’ Stephenson and Steven ‘Giant Haystacks’ Riddolls.

The first half started quietly with both sides probing ‘In the biblical sense of the word’ each others halves. The forwards seemed fairly evenly matched on both sides but it soon became apparent that the Malton back line was a far superior outfit. First scores came from Malt when fly half Rob ‘Afro’ Tate kicked a cleverly weighted chip over the York defensive line to gather and score under the posts. Keeping hold of the ball he proceeded to add another two points with his conversion. The next try came from the York number 10 kicking deep into the home teams half for Elliott ‘Billy Whizz’ Richardson to run back with interest, off loading to a number of Malton hands, finishing with the pale skinned ginger warrior Patrick Stephenson to score in the corner. Tate managed to bag another try just before the half time whistle when a clever punt, “I think that’s what the bewildered York defender called it”, bounced kindly to be caught and the wet conditions allowing him to slide over the score line.

The second half saw the energy drain from the tenacious prop Stephenson like a foreign, economy car battery might, starting a vintage Astin Martin on a cold morning after the lights had been left on. With only minutes before his metal hip joint began to seize up the call, long since forgotten at the Gannock, echoed out for the Twickenham playing legend and Oliver Reed look-a-like Steve ‘The Slug’ Riddolls. Although once a highly trained athlete, Riddolls will admit his fitness usually picks up towards the end of the season. From the moment the Scarborough referee whistled the play on after the substitution a flurry of fast hands directed the ball to the far corner of the pitch, a distance unrecognised to the bowed strapped knees of Rids. Only yards from the York line, a rolling maul was formed that brought Malt desperately close to scoring. Riddolls gasping for breath, tripped just before reaching the mass of bodies, coincidently just as scrum half Tom Pateman launched a pass to link up with his backs. The ball lodged in Riddolls unkept beard, and the momentum of the solid prop allowed him to flop over the score line for an accidental / perfectly timed try.

York embarrassed by the veteran prop scoring and the matter of being reduced to 14 players due to injury were constantly on the back foot. Scores rained in from full back Marlon Williams, Winger Rob Armitage, scrum half Tom Pateman and second row Steve Butler. Fly half Rob Tate converting a further two of the scores. Malton’s second team came off the Gannock after 80 minutes of entertaining rugby deserved winners.

Patrick Stephenson made a full recovery after receiving treatment from Linda and her grease gun. However we are informed that Steve Riddolls, although smelling of cabbage, suffering from loss of memory and having selective deafness particularly when he’s talking has not yet been sectioned under the Mental Health Act

It must surely be testament to the second team manager Andrew ‘No… its not mine, its my wife’s Imac’ Whalley, that he was able to organise a side with no less than nine player changes. These alterations came in part to the first team taking three of the usual back line and injury/unavailability resulting in the rest. Never the less The Super Twos arrived at Redcar’s Seaside Social Club optimistic that although altered the Malton cream would still rise to the top.

Redcar’s wide pitch would normally have suited Malts style of play, with dead ball line areas deeper than most Persimmon Home Gardens.
However a wind that would have rocked most Florida inhabitants made the style of play rather inevitable. Malton chose to face the wind in the first half, a decision that must surely of made the late call up back three sick with fright.

Full back Mathew ‘Mini’ Midgley was continually being bombarded with high swirling kicks, but it was the experienced forwards that managed to calm the game down, securing clean ball from scrum and lineout to enable the Twos to claw their way back into the oppositions half, yards at a time. Line outs were again dominated by jumpers Robert ‘Light my fuse’ Hicks and Jim ‘Harry Potter’ Davies.

Scrums were a solid platform enabling number 8 Tim ‘Anyone got some tape’ Casey to break off or off load to returning scrum half Andy ‘This baby seat won’t fit in my Impretza’ Newsome. The scoring was finally started midway through the first half when interplay between backs and forwards saw Kenyan Second Row, Bruce ‘Wouldn’t want to meet him on a dark night’ Roberts crash his way over the line. Fill in fly half Whalley kicking the conversion for a further two points. Shortly after this Whalley ran in a try of his own after a penetrative run from Dan ‘Birthday Boy’ Dickinson drew in much of the Redcar defensive line.

Taking their foot off the gas with some complaisant tackling, Malton conceded a try of their own which in turn was converted. Just before the half time whistle Redcar took advantage of, the Malton back row and renowned Ryedale ladies man, Rob Hopkinson coming off the pitch with a blood injury, to score a further try.

Redcar must have hoped for a bigger score difference before the second half started. Malton not surprisingly utilising the fading yet still hurricane strength wind to pin back the home side. It was not long before constant pressure on Redcar’s tiring defensive line started to take effect. A penalty from Redcar was punished by a kick under the post from Andy Newsome. Jim Davies was rewarded for some excellent support play by a try in the corner.

Andrew Whalley with confidence in his own abilities chose to ignore a three man over lap to charge over for a second try. After a run more likely to come from a bullock escaping from a slaughter house, Steve ‘Big Red’ Pease battered his way through most of the Redcar team, carrying at least two of them on his back. Sadly for him, after doing the hard work, his glory was robbed, along with his tape, deodorant and spare socks by Tim ‘Goal Hanging’ Casey who strolled over the line with ease.

The final nail in Redcar’s coffin came from a well worked try that was started and finished by Robert ‘Around the world in 80 days’ Hicks. Although not clinically recognised as agoraphobic, young Robert does prefer the comforting feelings of players in close proximity. So when faced with a situation of ball in hand and no one to pass to Hicksey drew upon his Maori origins and thought what his great uncle Zin Zan Brooke might have done in a similar situation.

Uncle Zin Zan for those not aware was an All Black forward who liked nothing better than punishing his opposition with excellent kicks. Sadly young Robert flailed his gangly knee supported right leg to kick more like Kelly Brooke (Celebrity, thick, chesty tart who struggles to read and write).

The ball spun off his foot at great speed, straight up for Robert to catch again without moving. The Redcar players who were not laid on the floor crippled with laughter were unable to defend the flurry of passes that followed allowing Hicks to score just before the final whistle. Captain Neil Gilbertson drop kicked the conversion for a further two points.

Report by Neil Gilbertson

If you subscribe to the ‘Super Twos’ philosophy of life that ‘your glass is half full rather than half empty’ little that you encounter from day to day disheartens you. However, just occasionally when you go to the fridge and find your milk is off, or you look in the mirror and notice that you’re developing hair from within your ears it’s difficult to summon a smile. So when the merry men of Malton, are willing to travel over an hour and a half, meeting at 11.30 in the morning to give up a precious weekend to travel to one of the little known wilderness clubs, and arrive to be told that the home side have only been able drag together a team of eleven its hard to prevent ones dander wilting.

After some negotiations with the home captain and referee, Wensleydale had little option but to forfeit the game. Rather than ‘spitting dummies out’ and driving back to civilisation where the wheel, electricity and comprehendible speech are common place ‘The Gannock Good Lookers’ decided not to watch the array of Internationals in the pub but give the Hill Toppers a lesson in sportsmanship. Straws were drawn in the changing room and Malton gifted the home side Tom ‘Give a drink and I’ll sleep anywhere’ Stephenson and Carl ‘no… we’re not all like Macca’ Shaw to even the sides at thirteen a piece.

Being somewhat spoilt with the facilities that Malton have it clearly took the Two’s a period of time to acclimatise to Wensleydale’s ‘set up’. The frequent nose bleeds associated with the altitude sickness, and Highland Cattle that seemed annoyed to be loosing their favourite grazing seemed to put off the visitors with countless passes failing to be completed. However Malton finally managed to break the dead lock when ‘The Power Tower’ John Dobson bludgeoned his way over the line. Rob Tate converting the extra two points. From an excellent line out take and drive Tim Casey off loaded to Jim Davies to score under the post. Tate again slotting over a further two points. Just before the half time whistle Macauley Williams, coming to terms with the rabbit warren in the middle of the pitch, ran in two tries in close succession. Both were initiated from good angled running, both were converted by Tate.

Oranges seemed not to be forth coming at half time, being as they were not able to be produced locally and turnip somehow didn’t seem to cut the flem, however the pack of wolves that dragged the elk down in the neighbouring field made for good entertainment.

Players were swapped before the restart with Adam ‘The boyish looking savage’ Stephens slipping into Carl Shaw’s cold wet Wensleydale shirt. Shaw took no time in inflicting insult to his former team mates by scoring under the posts from a powerful drive. Tate converted this try then proceeded to score two of his own; One from individual brilliance the other from Richard ‘Sledge’ Ellis cutting through the Wensleydale defenders as if they were peat and off loading for Tate to gas over the line. He completed his score card with four points in conversions.

Liam Cowton fighting off hypothermia decided to join in and showed first team selectors that his hammy is up to the job with a well worked try created from a blistering run by Rob ‘silent but deadly’ Armitage. Not happy with the five points he drop kicked the conversion for a further two. Carl Shaw ended the Super Two’s scoring with a further try and copy cat drop kick. Wensleydale were able to cross Malton’s line twice, both tries coming from moves created by on loan players. Wensleydale tried to argue the point of ‘last score wins’, Malton were not impressed.

With Super Two analysis some positives could be drawn from the game. The local wolf population will continue to prosper on the snow-capped landscapes of Wensleydale Rugby club. Hill top farmers will continue to subsidise their very frugal lives by renting off grazing to small groups of rugby players and Steve Pease’s Oscar winning performance as he knelt amongst the tundra and sheep carcasses that littered the pitch, ice crystals forming from his eyes, claiming to have very little feeling from his ears downwards was worthy of any Hollywood Hall of Fame.

Despite leaving town short of players Malton seconds embraced the challenge of a full Goole team on the windswept plains of East Yorkshire.

Players were provided on loan with Tom Lund and Rob Armitage getting the chance to link up once again with former primary school classmate Chris Timms who boosted Malton depleted backline with a run at centre.

Malton actually struck first with forward run establishing a base for Matt Midgley to link with the backs and get the ball to Jim Davies who crashed over into the corner. Mikey Williams struck an excellent kick to take the maximum points. From then on Goole capitalised on their numerical advantage to create a series of overlaps to pull themselves clear with four tries, two of which were converted. Credit must go to Malton for holding firm in the face of daunting odds against them.

Malton shared mixed fortunes in the ranks as Craig Garnett arrived to boost the team to coincide with Paul Dobson having to leave due to a twisted knee.

Malton took pride in their performance in the second half and scored the only try to gain some consolation. Rob Hopkinson forced his way over from short distance.

Even though Malton ran out second best Goole thanked them for making the trip and indeed making a game of it. There are clubs who seem happy to cry off when short of players but Malton are proud of their reputation as a team who will honour the fixture.

Report by Rob Hicks